Roller Coaster Up

Well the roller coaster is on its way back up. Things are going back up hill, really good actually. I hate to say that in the case that the next steep mountain ride is right around the corner. And for those of you who haven't been following this blog or have no idea whats going on in our life, this is totally confusing you, I'm sure...but I'm gonna keep talking cause that's just what I'm so good at : )

To be totally honest, I've personally been in a very rocky position in the last couple of months. Re-evaluating where I stand when it comes to everything, and I mean everything. The situations and problems I've faced in the last several months don't compare to anything I've ever experienced my whole entire life. And some would say its because we made a wrong move somewhere along the way, but its so far beyond that. I honestly believe if we would not have made certain critical steps in these last few months, we'd not be in a good place right now. I've always said you just never know whats really going on inside of someone. As good as they put on a show and a smile for everyone, you just don't even know what's going on on the inside. For most people, it'd shock the crackers out of your mouth, especially when looking at people in leadership over you : )

For me personally, I think it's easy for some people to stand back up when their heart has been destroyed, but for some, its just not as easy to get back up and keep walking forward. I would have liked to have claimed myself as one who was strong and able to withstand whatever was thrown at me, but I am just not that person. I have had to truly learn how to rely and really trust God these last few months of my life. I don't know if I could've taken another step without Him. And a lot of people say that phrase so freely, but I honestly really don't know if I could've taken another step. And although God felt quite distant, I know He was there, and still is. I think its time to start letting go of some things that have really grabbed onto me. A lot of my hurt seems to be getting worse, its hard to really trust people these days, you kinda feel like somethings been ripped out of you. I think a lot of people don't realize exactly the extent of hurt that Shawn and I have experienced just because a lot of people don't look at both sides. That's half of what hurts so much. Pouring your life out to people for so long, and then to turn around and it feel like it was for nothing...its hurts. But you reap what you sow. We were in those shoes for so long, and now we've chose not to be. And now I know what it feels like to be that person on the other side that no one believed. But everyone will be in that situation one day before long. Shawn's so much better at this than me. He's one of those that can stand back up and keep walking. And I'm just hanging on for dear life by his coat jacket, until I can put my feet to the ground and get back up.

At this point, I think I'm just jabbering and probably not making any sense to anyone, but this blog is just a way for me to really get some things out. We've also been put in a place at this time where I think God is going to begin the healing process. He's placed us in a group of people who I pray are going to surround us and just be Jesus, just LOVE us. I'm beginning to think that LOVE is the healing. Who would've thought?